Being Kicked

I was just sitting on the couch and as usual, Bean Sprout was kicking me in the gut. This time it was a lot more than usual though. So I rolled my pants down and stared at my stomach and I could actually see it vibrating and see where she was punching and kicking me. It was such an amazing moment, that I couldn’t help but start bawling my eyes out right then and there.

Every time I realize that I am really growing a baby inside of me, I get wicked emotional. Most of the time, this whole experience is just unexplainable.

The joys of being pregnant for the first time…

Belly – Week 21

Yes, those are pre-pregnancy clothes I’m still attempting to wear. Just around the house though!!

I have gained 15 pounds since December. Right now, I weigh 130 and feel like a cow! I started exercising more the past week or so because I noticed my thighs getting a little bit bigger than necessary! I am trying really hard to make the food I’m eating count and not gain a whole lot of extra “baby weight” just from pigging out on junk food. I don’t want to make it harder for myself once the baby is out.

My goal is to be back into my size 2 skinny jeans by November 1st. And to look like this 6 months after I give birth. Hey if she could do it in 3 months, I can do it 6… Yes, I have high hopes!!!

Just trying to eat good for the baby and stay active. I’m not too worried about gaining weight and stuff. Actually haven’t thought about it much at all before this week. Decided I needed to keep that in check though… I like to set my personal goals high and all I can do is hope to accomplish them. More will power to me!

Banana’s & Comments

Week 21

Baby’s Length: 7.5 in.

Baby’s Weight: 12 oz.

Baby’s Size: Banana

Another week has passed and I find myself 21 weeks along in my pregnancy. Seems like the time is flying by, although everyone told me it would seem like I was pregnant forever. To me, it seems like just yesterday I had a waist and normal sized thighs…

If you haven’t already noticed, one of my characteristics or “personality traits” if you will, is my inability to take unsought advice. I realize that this probably doesn’t make much sense, considering I write several blogs, but try to understand. It has taken me the last 5 years of blogging to realize that having a public blog and allowing comments, opens me up to other people’s scrutiny, judgments, opinions, and advice.

This makes it very difficult for me to post. I want the comments, but then I put up a brick wall as soon as I sense someone is trying to share their opinion or advice with me. Having anyone try to tell me to “do things their way” is a subconscious reminder of where I’ve been all of my life. All the little red flags go up and I immediately become defensive and shut down.

Please don’t take this personally, but I need to have the comments turned off on my blog for a while until I can pull myself back together. The last couple months of posts I have made, have resulted in comments with (I’m sure) well-meant advice from people who only have the best intentions. However, it’s been driving me up a wall. Until I can figure out how to deal with it, I need to isolate myself from the irritation.

I initially considered not blogging anymore, but I need the freedom to write what I’m thinking and feeling. I like having my thoughts recorded somewhere so I can go back and look at it later. I started keeping a journal in 1999 and wrote in it every single day for almost 6 years. I started blogging in 2002 and slowly gave up the hand written journals in favor of the speed of typing. When I first started blogging, no one ever came to my blog, nor did I get any comments, so I never learned “blogging etiquette”. It’s taken me a long time to realize that when I say something like, “I wonder if I’ll be a good mother.” (that is only a mere pondering to me) that I am inviting a “Oh don’t worry. You’ll make an excellent mother!” response somewhere in the comment area.

I’m not saying that I don’t like compliments and encouraging reassurances, because I do. I think I just get frustrated when it’s not what I’m looking for from the post… I get mad that people get “sidetracked” on my ponderings instead of discussing the actual topic I was blogging about. Maybe I haven’t fully gotten a hold of what blogging is all about. They really should have some kind of a course or book on how to blog…

I find myself very jealous of great bloggers like Motherhood Uncensored, The Sarcastic Journalist, Mama Tulip, and Novelle 360 (just to name a few). I read their fantastic posts and all the lovely comments that their posts generate and wonder why I can’t blog like that. The way they write is so easy to understand and so very pleasant to read. They are straight-forward and unapologetic about what they’re thinking, and it seems that people rarely disagree with them. How do they do it?

Maybe some people are just born to be great bloggers and others, like myself, should keep their thoughts to themselves.

Regardless, I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut OR keep my thoughts to myself. And so I blog. But until I figure out what I’m doing wrong and how to fix it, and learn how to accept unsought advice, I need to turn the comments off.

I hope having the comments turned off won’t stop people from visiting the blog, because I will still be posting.

La Jolla Photos

I finally got on my husband’s computer and got the rest of the La Jolla vacation pictures. You probably forgot all about them, didn’t you? I almost did… But anyway. Here they are:

(Click To Enlarge)

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There were tons more pictures and some were really, really good, but don’t feel like uploading them all. 🙂

Belly – Week 20

The baby is healthy and developing normally. There are no signs of any developmental problems or defects. The baby was moving around energetically during the entire ultrasound which lasted a little over an hour. It was so amazing to watch the baby move on the screen and feel the movements inside my body at the same time.

When I saw the baby on the screen for the first time, I started crying because it was just so beautiful and it was my baby. It was there, it was alive, and it’s all mine.

I watched as the technician pointed out the hands and feet, but I didn’t need her to show me. I knew, intuitively what everything was, because it was my baby… I just watched in awe as the little critter moved and danced about on the screen. For the first time since my wedding day, I couldn’t stop smiling and tearing up at the same time. It is just so beautiful and amazing to watch a life growing and living inside of your own body. What a blessing!

Now I think about raising this little person inside of me. I wonder who they will grow up to be and what their personality will be like. I have the responsibility to help shape their life and who they will be. What a blessing and yet what a scary, scary thought. I know I can be a good mother to my child and I can’t wait to show them all the wonderful things there are in this world to discover. I won’t keep them too sheltered like my mom did to me. And I won’t neglect them either. I just want my baby to know how much I love it and always feel like they can come to me with anything.

The ultrasound technician got several clear shots between the legs during the hour long ultrasound. We’re having a girl. I couldn’t have been more surprised! I thought from the very beginning that I was having a boy, but I guess my instincts were wrong. I actually always wanted a girl, and I think I thought it was a boy mostly because I was nervous about having a boy. I think it was my way of preparing myself “just in case”.

She’s beautiful, healthy, and I couldn’t be any happier right now. It seems like everything in the world is perfect.

Our Baby