Dear Diary

Week 32

Baby’s Length: 11.75 to 19 in.

Baby’s Weight: 4 lbs.

Baby’s Size: Ken Doll

Dear Diary,

I am getting a little sick and tired of the inaccurate “baby size” comparisons of I mean, c’mon! A Ken doll?

I’m a little frustrated with pregnancy this week. (Can you tell??)

I’m tired all the time. I don’t feel like getting up and moving around and when I finally do, the baby kicks me so hard in the bladder, I cry. Sometimes, I think she’s on a mission to kill my lady parts and render them unusable. Perhaps she doesn’t want siblings?

I feel fat and bloated and can’t stand how swollen my face looks. I’ve grown out of most of maternity clothes which absolutely disgusts me to no end. “Oh yes, but think of the prize you get in the end!” you can argue. But it just seems like there has to be a more humane way of having a child. Carrying it for 9 months in your abdomen seems almost barbaric. Our technology has progressed in so many other areas, yet we must still grow babies like animals. Seems so strange now that I think about it.

Sometimes I feel like a machine and that my only purpose right now is to grow this child. Sweet, yes, but still frustrating not having my body to myself. It’s already annoying to have to share it with my husband, but now a baby too?! I don’t like not belonging to myself anymore. I don’t remember agreeing to do this much sharing….

Don’t get my wrong, I love being pregnant. It’s an amazing thing! However, I can’t wait to get this kid out of me so that my body can go back to a somewhat normal state. I’m tired of looking (and feeling) like I could be a body double for the Pillsbury Doughboy.

I am also tired of eating for two. I feel like all I do is eat, eat, eat. Nothing tastes good to me and I can never satisfy my cravings. It’s like there is no restaurant in the world that has something on the menu that I want to eat. SO many choices, but I don’t really know what I want. I just know that what I want is never on the menu or in the grocery store. It’s like I live in the wrong country or something…

“So this is all totally normal,” I convince myself. My due date is more like a relief date. For some reason, I think I can handle the lack of sleep better than all these other… complaints.

Dear Diary,

I’m on week 32 now with less than 8 weeks to go. Seems like just yesterday I got pregnant! How time flies…

Say “NO!” To Barbie

Week 31

Baby’s Length: 11.5 to 18 in.

Baby’s Weight: 3.5 lbs.

Baby’s Size: Barbie Doll

My mother swore up and down that there would never be a Barbie doll in our house. “They’re too sexy looking!” she told everyone. And the poor thing, she tried so hard to shelter me from even knowing what a Barbie doll was. That didn’t work out so well though…

When I was about 3 years old, my mom and dad brought me to the beach. We always went to the beach and I loved swimming. This time was different though… As I was happily playing with my buckets and little plastic shovel in the wet beach sand, making amateurish sandcastles, I noticed another little girl about my age, playing with a small doll in the water about 15 feet from me. She looked like she was having so much fun making the doll walk on the beach and swim in the ocean waves… I was mesmerized.

After watching her for about 10 minutes, she noticed I was staring at her. She smiled brightly and came over to me. “Do you want to play with my Barbie?” she asked me. Oh, did I ever! How different and special this new shaped doll seemed. I accepted the Barbie from her and she went back over to her where her parents were and got herself another toy to play with. I didn’t notice what it was though… I was too happy to be holding this fun, new toy!

I played with her Barbie on the beach for hours, making it dance and walk in the sand like she did. It’s hair was so soft and shiny and it was wearing such a cute little swimsuit. Why had I never seen one of these before?!

When the little girl was ready to go home with her parents, she came back over to me to fetch her beloved Barbie. I gently handed it back to her, regretfully, wishing that I could keep it for myself. She smiled and said goodbye to me and walked away with her parents. I turned to my mom and said, “I want one.” She looked disgruntled and said, “We’ll see.”

By the time I was 6 years old, I had collected over 60 Barbie dolls, had a suitcase full of their clothes, as well as the official Barbie swimming pool, the Barbie traveling van, and so much more. I even had a three story Barbie apartment building with an elevator. It took up 1/2 of one wall in my large bedroom. I had special plastic containers with labels on them to separate Barbie’s boots and shoes from her handbags and hats. I kept everything super organized, just like all my other toys. Barbie’s weren’t a hobby or another toy for me. They became an obsession.

I played with my Barbie dolls until I was about 11 years old. Then I packed them all up myself, into clear plastic containers. I made sure that each one was dressed in her Sunday best and that their hair was neatly brushed. Then I told my mom to put them away for me so I could give them all to my daughter someday. She did.

Now it’s my turn to be a mother and I can’t help but have a different idea. Although I loved my Barbie dolls very much, I can look back and see that encouraged my unhealthy obsession with fashion, clothes, glamor, and shopping.

I can only hope I can get my own daughter to her teenage years without her laying eyes on a Barbie doll… And if I can’t completely avoid Barbie dolls altogether, I at least hope that she doesn’t become obsessed with them like I did.

*long sigh*

I might be one of those naive mother’s that thinks they can somehow help prevent their child from turning into themselves. Just another musing from my little brain…

Bread In The Oven

Week 30

Baby’s Length: 10.75 to 17 in.

Baby’s Weight: 3 lbs.

Baby’s Size: Loaf of Bread

I watched Brothers & Sisters last night lack of anything better to do. Tommy and Julia’s twins were born premature (about 29 weeks) and they were so tiny… It really touched me to see them holding such a tiny little baby in their arms, knowing that my own baby who is still safe in my womb, is not much bigger. It really makes you realize how fragile and special life is when it’s right in your face like that.

With only 10 weeks left now, I am starting to get slightly nervous. I am, by nature, a control freak and not being able to have complete control of this pregnancy is driving me a little bit crazy. I know I can’t have the perfect birth and give birth on a certain day and have everything go perfectly, because having a baby isn’t like that. That really hit me after reading all about Tammie’s birth experience. (Day 1, Day 2, and Day 3)She was planning a water birth in a birthing center, just like I am, and at the last minute her plans had to change completely for the health of her unborn baby. I know that she wanted to have a natural birth as much as I do and it just really sucks that things didn’t turn out that way.

She seems to be taking everything quite well and is embracing motherhood in an amazing way. I admire her so much. I know I mention her a lot in my posts, and it’s because she’s such a strong, mature woman that I really respect and look up to. I have learned a lot from her and in turn, learned a lot about myself.

I know that I am very sensitive to failure and disappointment. I actually hold myself back in life sometimes, just to avoid being disappointed in myself. With that knowledge in mind, I know that I can’t prepare myself for labor and delivery the way that most other people would. I know if I have any expectations at all, I will be disappointed in myself for a long time. Oh yes, they say that after the baby is born you forget all about that kind of stuff. Well, I’m just not like that…

So I am trying to have a really laid-back attitude about labor and birth. I don’t want to spend these next few weeks stressing out about how I want everything to happen, going to labor classes, making a complicated birth plan, and preparing myself for some kind of magical experience that probably won’t happen anything like I plan. I think it’s much better for me to just sit back, eat healthy, exercise, and go with the flow… My own little way of being oblivious.

Everything will happen in God’s time and according to His plan. As much as I want to be in control of everything, I’m not and I can’t be. And maybe someday, I won’t want to be… Until then, I just need to learn how to “let go”.