Bread In The Oven

Week 30

Baby’s Length: 10.75 to 17 in.

Baby’s Weight: 3 lbs.

Baby’s Size: Loaf of Bread

I watched Brothers & Sisters last night lack of anything better to do. Tommy and Julia’s twins were born premature (about 29 weeks) and they were so tiny… It really touched me to see them holding such a tiny little baby in their arms, knowing that my own baby who is still safe in my womb, is not much bigger. It really makes you realize how fragile and special life is when it’s right in your face like that.

With only 10 weeks left now, I am starting to get slightly nervous. I am, by nature, a control freak and not being able to have complete control of this pregnancy is driving me a little bit crazy. I know I can’t have the perfect birth and give birth on a certain day and have everything go perfectly, because having a baby isn’t like that. That really hit me after reading all about Tammie’s birth experience. (Day 1, Day 2, and Day 3)She was planning a water birth in a birthing center, just like I am, and at the last minute her plans had to change completely for the health of her unborn baby. I know that she wanted to have a natural birth as much as I do and it just really sucks that things didn’t turn out that way.

She seems to be taking everything quite well and is embracing motherhood in an amazing way. I admire her so much. I know I mention her a lot in my posts, and it’s because she’s such a strong, mature woman that I really respect and look up to. I have learned a lot from her and in turn, learned a lot about myself.

I know that I am very sensitive to failure and disappointment. I actually hold myself back in life sometimes, just to avoid being disappointed in myself. With that knowledge in mind, I know that I can’t prepare myself for labor and delivery the way that most other people would. I know if I have any expectations at all, I will be disappointed in myself for a long time. Oh yes, they say that after the baby is born you forget all about that kind of stuff. Well, I’m just not like that…

So I am trying to have a really laid-back attitude about labor and birth. I don’t want to spend these next few weeks stressing out about how I want everything to happen, going to labor classes, making a complicated birth plan, and preparing myself for some kind of magical experience that probably won’t happen anything like I plan. I think it’s much better for me to just sit back, eat healthy, exercise, and go with the flow… My own little way of being oblivious.

Everything will happen in God’s time and according to His plan. As much as I want to be in control of everything, I’m not and I can’t be. And maybe someday, I won’t want to be… Until then, I just need to learn how to “let go”.