Pass The Watermelon

Week 39

Baby’s Length: 14.5 to 21.5 in.

Baby’s Weight: 7 lbs.

Baby’s Size: Watermelon

** If you are pregnant for the first time
and less than 39 weeks along,
do yourself a favor and
don’t read this post! **

You didn’t expect to see a week 39 post from me, did ya? Well let me tell you… I wasn’t planning on having to make one.

So… 7 more days left till my EDD. This is sooooo not amusing.

My midwife said last Thursday that the baby weighs about 7 1/2 lbs… Again, not amusing. She was small for her age before… and now she’s bigger than average. Just what every woman wants to hear before she has to blow the baby out her bottom…

I can’t sleep, I am uncomfortable every moment I am alive, except when I’m swimming in a pool, I have absolutely no bladder control whatsoever, I have heartburn, acid indigestion, and diarrhea (No, I don’t need Pepto Bismol), my stomach muscles feel like I pulled and/or strained them, but I didn’t, and I’m quite convinced that the baby hates my pelvis and wants to see it suffer.

Last night, she was grinding her head into my public bone and cervix so hard, I thought I was being raped from the inside out. At least when I’m in labor, that pain will have a purpose. This pain was definitely not needed and not accomplishing anything, making it absolutely impossible for me to tolerate it. I tried to grit my teeth and deal with it, as she squirmed about, but I just couldn’t do it. I burst out crying, much to my husband’s dismay, and continued to sob for over an hour. I was trembling and shivering (hormones? emotions? insanity?) so much, that today I feel like I was hit by a trailer truck.

I’m tellin’ you… natural ways of inducing labor just don’t work. I tried everything on that list to get this baby out. Well… everything but Castor Oil. I even took measures into my own hands and jumped on a trampoline for over half an hour yesterday. Even that didn’t work! If anything, the baby seemed to enjoy it… This child is nuts!

And what is up with everyone telling me to have sex? It’s like suddenly, when you become 37 or more weeks pregnant, intercourse is no longer a taboo subject. You even have strangers telling you “Oh have sex with your husband! That will help make the baby come out!”

Telling a hugely uncomfortable pregnant woman who has never felt less sexy in her whole life to hop into bed and do “the naughty”, is almost cruel! I feel like I need a fork lift to even get in and out of the bed, not to mention the gigantic “baby bump” that is conveniently located in the worst spot imaginable. It really makes engaging in that sport, uncomfortable, very not sexy, and quite difficult, if not almost impossible.

It would be nice if what made the baby go in, also made the baby come out… However, after 4 weeks of doing it once a day, I have come to the conclusion that sex isn’t working.

All but ONE of my “Due Date Buddies” have had their babies already. Two of them delivered on 7/7/07 and not by c-section!

People say, “Oh the baby will come out when she’s ready! Babies can’t be rushed!”

Do they think that saying that is helpful or in any way encouraging? Maybe if I was a dumb, happy blonde on Valium it might be.

Okay, I do have some positive things to report…

At my 38 Week appointment with my midwife, she told me (once again) that I am having an incredibly healthy normal pregnancy and she is so impressed with me. She says the baby is gaining weight perfectly and I am gaining just the “right amount” of weight too. She even brought in 2 different “midwives in training”, to let them prod my belly to show them what a “perfect baby” felt like and the “perfect amount of amniotic fluid” felt like.

My midwife says to the other girl, “Feel her belly,” and puts her hands on my stomach. “Feel how she has a lot of amniotic fluid and the baby is laying to the left? That’s because she’s eating really healthy. Remember the woman that came in right before her? She had almost no amniotic fluid at all and that’s because she isn’t eating properly or exercising enough.”

I beamed. I’m eating healthy and I’m a model pregnant woman!

See, now how can I complain about how uncomfortable I am when I know that I am growing a healthy, happy baby in there?

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