Posted on November 10, 2008
Posted on November 10, 2008
And here I thought that August 31st, 2004 was the worst day of my life….
First, my husband, me and the baby got into a car accident with an oil truck and totaled our mini van on my way to my mother’s house. We have no money saved up right now, hubby doesn’t get paid till Friday and we have no car insurance.
My brother drove us to my mother’s house so we could help her make the decision of whether to put our 8 year old Boxer down or not. He had been getting progressively worse and worse for the past year and had lost almost all control over his hind end and it was slowly spreading to his front legs. For the past week, he hadn’t been able to walk, eat without help, drink, or go to the bathroom without falling in it. My mom had been giving him 24/7 care which was really too much for her… Being 61 years old and not sleeping for a week isn’t good for anyone.
We finally decided to bring Duke (the dog) for a third opinion – a new vet. They said he had one of 2 problems, neither of which could be fixed. The vet said in his condition, he was only going to get worse and wouldn’t live more than a couple more weeks, so it was best to put him down sooner rather then later. Putting down a dog is the hardest thing in the world to do, but it’s even harder when it’s you and your mom – no father – and that dog has been the only thing keeping you alive. My mom bought Duke for me after my dad died and we babied that dog sooooo badly. He was like a brother to me…. So it was like pulling the plug on a family member. Literally.
We had him put to sleep and he died on my lap – the same spot as when I picked him up as a little tiny puppy. The runt of the litter.
We brought him home in the back of my mom’s Saab and my husband lovingly dug a hole in my mom’s backyard. I wrapped him in his favorite brown blanket and lowered him into his final resting place. With him, I placed his favorite toy – a monkey – and my daughter’s favorite pink hat. She had just learned how to say “Dukey” 3 days before this…. She loved him so much.
I buried him and put a cross over his grave. My poor mother couldn’t watch. She was so empty now… He was all she had left. Now she would be completely alone.
I wept over his grave for an hour… I never thought losing him would be so hard. It took me over a year to mourn over my dad’s death, but sobbing for the passing of my dearly beloved dog came so much easier. Maybe because I am older now and I’m tired of suppressing my emotions. I just let them fall out everywhere….
I didn’t think anything else could happen in one day, but when I got hom several hours later, my sister in law found out that her mother has ovarian cancer and only has a few months to live.
I was pretty sure my day couldn’t possibly get any worse. Boy was I wrong… My mother in law, whom I haven’t seen in well over a year, decided to finally tell me everything she’s been thinking and not saying for all this time. And it wasn’t pretty. I don’t know what I was expecting when I told her to “just be out with it already” and tell me what her problem was. Maybe I expected her to do it with a little bit of respect. Or decency. Or at least not dish out an enormous plate of blatant lies and absolutely untrue misconceptions about me. I am shocked, hurt, at a complete loss for words and I don’t see how I will ever be able to even talk to her again. If you only knew what this woman thinks I’ve done… It’s heinous. Something I would never in a million billion years do, even if I was a mean, hateful person. Which I’m not, despite my recent ranting about Obama………………..
There is no way for me to explain to her the truth because she’ll never believe me. She’s chosen to think something about me and I know she’s going to take it to her grave. There is little I can do to prove my innocence on this issue, at least in a way that will matter to her… She’s obviously in a very bad place mentally right now and nothing I say will matter to her. I don’t know if I should even bother to try… She’s cutting off her nose to spite her own face…
I’m at a loss.
At least nothing else can happen today…
Posted on May 26, 2008
We’re moving out of our apartment on 36 Allds St tomorrow. So many memories here! So many fun times…
Posted on May 03, 2007
It seems like time is going by so quickly now. I can’t even keep track of how many weeks along in my pregnancy I am anymore. My brain is so preoccupied with how many things I have to do between now and July, I can’t even begin to think about being a dedicated blogger.
Being without internet for 6 weeks was an interesting experience. The first week, I was stressing out a little bit. The second week, I started freaking out about not being able to post on my fashion blog (which is exploding in popularity). By the third week without an internet connection, I gave up being stressed out about. Then by the forth and fifth week, I realized what an amazing blessing it was not having to worry about email, blog posts, and the other 500 things I do on the internet everyday. It was a nice vacation.
When the Comcast guy came and put in our internet for us, I was very relieved. That is, until I checked my email… I have 10 email accounts I had to check. (Yes, they are all absolutely necessary.) Well… I had almost 2,000 emails altogether and only about 1,000 of them were spam or solicited emails. That left me with about 1,000 emails that I had to either deal with, respond to, file away, or at the very least, read. That took about 3 days.
During that time with no internet, I came down with a sinus infection/cold. I was sick with that for about 8 days and then felt like I was improving for 2 or 3 days. Then, I suddenly came down with pneumonia. I was sick in bed with pneumonia for over 2 weeks. At one point, I was so sick I could barely breath (with me asthma and all) and was convinced I had no other choice than to go to the hospital. This was the 6th time in my life I had pneumonia and 4 out of those 6 times, I went into the hospital. Only 2 out of those 6 times with pneumonia, I almost died. Colds etc really hit me hard…
The day that I was my very sickest with pneumonia, my husband was on a business trip and I was home alone. My mother just happened to come over that day to bring me a bureau for my bedroom. I felt so miserable, I didn’t let her leave. I needed somebody, anybody, to just be there with me in case I decided it was finally time to go to the hospital. I really didn’t want to go though…
I made my mom stay overnight with me. She cleaned the apartment for me while I laid on the couch in a semi-coma type state. Being a holistic nutritionist, she gave me all the vitamins I needed to fight the pneumonia as well as making sure I took all my asthma medications so I could get enough oxygen for the baby. She made me chicken soup, did my laundry, and took care of me.
Surprisingly, I made a near miraculous recovery in less than 4 days. After being sick for 2 weeks and feeling like I was near death for almost 1 week, I couldn’t even believe I was still alive.
My mother stayed with me for those 4 days until I was well enough to take care of my myself and my husband was home. During that time, we did a lot of talking – something I think both of us really needed to do. We ironed out so many things in those 4 days together. I confronted her about everything that has been bothering me about our relationship over the past 3 years and she cried and apologized; something she has never done before. We got the pink elephant out of the living room (so to speak) and worked through a lot of things that needed to get out in the open and over and done with. Kinda like closure…
I didn’t enjoy being sick by any means, but if I hadn’t been in that position, I don’t think my mother and I would have gotten a chance to talk like that and be open with each other. She was in a vulnerable position having to take care of me and after three years of gaining my own personal strength, I was able to confront her without hesitation. I think the whole thing was an amazing blessing, as awkward as it may seem.
I feel much better now that I am not on the “outs” with her. I hadn’t really realized how much stress that was causing me. She’s my mother and I know she’s not perfect by any means of the word and I know that she has mental issues and is deeply conflicted, but it doesn’t bother me or affect me anymore. I can see it, realize it, and work around it. Now if she says something that puts up a red flag in my brain, I either call her on it or ignore it completely. Before, I took everything personally and over-analyzed every word to the point of delirium.
I find myself very protective of myself, my body, my baby, and my husband. I wasn’t like that before I got pregnant. I am very quick to stand up for myself and what I think is right now. It’s like being pregnant with this child has given me a whole new level of self confidence and assertiveness. I still avoid conflict whenever I can, which has made me become distant from certain people, but I’ve been peaceful, which is the most important part.
I have been so much happier with my pregnancy and the direction of my life the last 2 months. I was really depressed for my first trimester and half of my second trimester. There were a few people in my life making it very difficult for me to be happy. I was very conflicted, depressed, and easily insulted. I think getting away from all of it while I was sick for those 3 weeks, really gave me the time to think and get a better perspective. It’s been a combination of a few different things that improved my outlook though. I put distance between the few people that were getting on my overly-active pregnant nerves and I started thinking about the things that really mattered. Important things like my little girl. I feel a lot closer to her lately instead of like I have some alien invading my personal space. There is an indescribable bond there now, that I know will grow even stronger over time.
And so it’s spring… and with the rising pollen counts and increased allergies, my spirits have soared to new levels and I’m genuinely content with where my life is going.