Don’t Feel Like Myself Anymore…

Posted on May 09, 2009

I’ve been so lost in being a mother and a wife for so long, I think I’ve forgotten who i am. I don’t do anything I used to like doing, I don’t get to go anywhere, I feel like a trapped rat half the time…

I love being a mom, but the hubs is gone so much, I feel like a single mom sometimes… I have to do everything and I never get a break. Not that anyone should have to relieve me of my duties… it’s just that I feel like no body cares about me anymore.

I just don’t feel like myself. I can’t concentrate, I’m unorganized, I have a million things to do and nothing ever gets done… I have to-do lists everywhere and I can’t think long enough to get anything done.

Trying to run Fashionable Media AND be a good parent is really taking a toll on me… I need more time to get things done on the computer, yet I want to spend more time with daughter teaching her things, playing with her, and just helping her grow. There aren’t enough hours in the day!

I used to dance, sing, play guitar, write poetry, exercise, do yoga everyday, cook gourmet meals, be creative, paint, draw, write stories, keep a journal, listen to music… I could go on and on… and I don’t get to do anything I enjoy anymore. I just don’t know what to do.

I wish I could have just 1 hour to myself everyday… but I don’t. I love my daughter so much and I want to be with her, but 24 hours a day and 7 days a week with no reprieve is starting to wear me down and affect my brain…

I wish my husband would help me, but he doesn’t… I don’t know who we are anymore. Some days are good, some days are bad, but none of them are fulfilling anymore. I keep slapping myself and telling myself to just keep it together and keep on trucking, but I don’t know how much longer I can carry myself through life like this…

Filed under: Frustration , Love & Marriage , Personal Thoughts



Internet Harassment

Posted on December 05, 2006

I love visiting other people’s blogs. I have over 250 feeds in my Bloglines Feed Reader. I enjoy anything from people’s personal blogs to (gasp) celebrity gossip and of course, fashion.

When visiting the more popular blogs, I rarely read the comments that other people have left. I read the post and if I feel the need, I leave a comment. Then I move on to another blog. I rarely spend more than a few minutes on a high traffic blog.

Well on September 8th, I made the mistake of leaving a comment on a certain celebrity gossip blog with a link back to my personal blog. It was a website that I rarely went to, but they posted about two celebrities I liked and they were speculating that they were sleeping together just because they were photographed having lunch together. How presumptuous to just assume that, right? I kindly left a comment that said something like,

“Could it possibly be that these two celebrities are still close friends and just wanted to have lunch, catch up, and hang out together? I’m so tired of gossip blogs jumping to conclusions just for the sake of making a post…”

I was directing my comment at the post’s author, but apparently, some of the other commenter’s took what I said personally. I didn’t know that till later though…

What I soon found out was that the commenting section of this blog was more like a forum or chat room for insecure people with no respect for themselves or anyone else. They started off by leaving comments telling me to F-off, which soon escalated to a certain young man deciding to speculate about my sexual preferences. He began misquoting my blog entries and changing them to say perverted, disgusting things about my dog and me, saying that I was having sexual intercourse with my female dog and other foolish nonsense.

I didn’t realize that these horrible comments were being left on the gossip blog until the young man that ventured to say sexually explicit things about me and my dog, decided to email me directly. After his first email, I went back to the website to observe the atrocities.

They began at the top and ripped me into tiny shreds. They left no stone uncovered. Once they found my blog, they unfortunately, found out everything else about me too. My wedding photos, my photography website, my website design site, information about my dance school, my family, my husband, etc It went from bad to worse, as they began ripping apart my in laws and husband as well.

And it didn’t stop there… Once they found the other blogs and websites I had, they posted links to them on the comment forum of the gossip blog. I went from getting an average of 50-60 hits a day on my website to well over 350 hits. This was not positive attention though. They posted my email address and told people to spam me. And once they found my mother in law’s blog and her name, they were able to look up our address, see where we lived, and post that on the internet as well!

This lasted for hours and hours and then moved to other comment threads on that site as well. But it didn’t end there. They began talking about me on 2 other websites as well. They even went as far as to make a faux website about me and post copyrighted images and content on that site, as if it were my own.

After 8 days of them harassing, stalking, bashing, and verbally abusing me, things quieted down and I didn’t hear or see much for about a week. During those 8 days, I never said a word to these people. I didn’t deny any of the lies they were saying, I didn’t post anymore comments on the website, and I stopped posting on my blog as well as taking down about 10 of my other websites.

My mother in law helped me save and collect all the information. It had gone from freedom of speech to stalking and harassment. I would go into further detail, but the things these people were saying were so horrible and disgusting, that I don’t want to even acknowledge it.

We thought that they had moved on to someone else and had forgotten about me, but one of the main players in their sick game, Tom, decided it would be fun to bring up the subject of me again. It lasted for another 10 days.

This time, I was pissed. Things had gone much too far and I wanted this nonsense to stop. I had done nothing wrong and didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. My mother in law and husband were pretty sick of it too. They helped me collect and compile all the things that were posted about me as well as the emails that were sent to me by Tom. We also had their IP addresses and soon figured out that these sick retards were doing this from work.

After putting all of the information together and writing a cover letter, we sent a copy to each of the stalker’s places of work, as well as 4 copies to different branches of the FBI. Yes, things had become that serious.

The stalking and harassment continued though… It has calmed down a lot, but I’m still afraid to be online. I decided the only way I was going to feel safe to blog again was by getting a bran new blog. A whole new chance at life, it seems. I don’t ever want those people to find me again. I have made a huge effort to not let me real name be revealed on this new blog or links to this blog have anything to do with my old blog or real name.

Now you know why I have a new blog!!!!!!!

Filed under: Frustration , Random Info , Technology





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