Don’t Feel Like Myself Anymore…

I’ve been so lost in being a mother and a wife for so long, I think I’ve forgotten who i am. I don’t do anything I used to like doing, I don’t get to go anywhere, I feel like a trapped rat half the time…

I love being a mom, but the hubs is gone so much, I feel like a single mom sometimes… I have to do everything and I never get a break. Not that anyone should have to relieve me of my duties… it’s just that I feel like no body cares about me anymore.

I just don’t feel like myself. I can’t concentrate, I’m unorganized, I have a million things to do and nothing ever gets done… I have to-do lists everywhere and I can’t think long enough to get anything done.

Trying to run Fashionable Media AND be a good parent is really taking a toll on me… I need more time to get things done on the computer, yet I want to spend more time with daughter teaching her things, playing with her, and just helping her grow. There aren’t enough hours in the day!

I used to dance, sing, play guitar, write poetry, exercise, do yoga everyday, cook gourmet meals, be creative, paint, draw, write stories, keep a journal, listen to music… I could go on and on… and I don’t get to do anything I enjoy anymore. I just don’t know what to do.

I wish I could have just 1 hour to myself everyday… but I don’t. I love my daughter so much and I want to be with her, but 24 hours a day and 7 days a week with no reprieve is starting to wear me down and affect my brain…

I wish my husband would help me, but he doesn’t… I don’t know who we are anymore. Some days are good, some days are bad, but none of them are fulfilling anymore. I keep slapping myself and telling myself to just keep it together and keep on trucking, but I don’t know how much longer I can carry myself through life like this…

Life In Between

Sometimes you find yourself in between. Whether it’s in between jobs, houses, boyfriends, or simple in between lunch and dinner. Being in between affects all of us differently. I for one, don’t have much patience for these in between periods. I hate not knowing what’s on the other side and where I’m going. I like knowing everything… and sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you just have to wait and see what happens next. Another way of “going with the flow”.

When I feel stuck in between two things with the past behind me and god-knows-what ahead of me, I feel uneasy. Obviously, that’s to be expected. I feel like it happens all too often though. For the past 4 years, there have only been a few moments… maybe weeks, when I actually felt like I was in a comfortable place in life. I have a hard time “being still” and just waiting. Maybe it’s because I’m naturally an uptight person… I don’t know.

Why does there always have to be an in between time we must all endure? And why does it have to take so long to get to the other side sometimes? Is it just me, or is it like that for everyone?

I don’t know what is ahead for me in life. It’s all so unsure right now, even with my husband’s wonderful job locked down. There are just so many ifs in life. I know I can’t control everything, but sometimes I wish I didn’t live so much of my life in between.

Makeup and Poor Self-Image

I have recently realized that my self image affects my relationship with my husband. To most, especially those that are older and wiser than me, this may seem like common knowledge. I had to learn it the hard way yesterday.

And yes, out of a lack of anything else to write about, I am going to go against everything I stand for and talk about my marriage… I might regret this tomorrow!

I woke up from a nightmare, as usual. From those of you that are new to this blog, I have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. One of the effects of this is, I suffer from nightmares 3-6 days a week. Most are about being kidnapped, being separated from my husband, or having my children taken from me. (I don’t actually have any children though.) Who is doing the kidnapping? The “BP” in my life…

Anyway, I woke up after having a nightmare about not being able to get to my husband and “people” preventing me from seeing him. I felt groggy and couldn’t get the memory of my dream out of my head. It was making me feel very insecure and when I feel insecure, I tend to confuse it with my self-image. In doing this once again, I decided that I would do the one thing that makes me feel better about how I look; putting makeup on.

I went into our bathroom and put on a little light brown eyeshadow, a tiny bit of eyeliner on my bottom lid, and a light colored lip gloss. Very simple, very un-noticeable, but enough to make me feel “dressed up” and put together. I forgot about my dream, felt a bit happier from gussying myself up, and went about my day.

When my husband came back from class the first thing he did was starred at me for a minute with this “look” on his face and then he said, “Why do you have makeup on?”. Now most people would put the accentuation on the word ‘makeup’ but he put the accentuation on the words ‘why’ and ‘on’. Of course to me this translates to “Why the hell did you do that to yourself? What were you thinking of? I hate it!” Yeah, you can all see where this is going…

I tried to remain calm, although I felt like popping him in the nose for even addressing the fact that I had makeup on. I don’t like it when he points things like that out… So I simply said, “I felt like.”

Apparently, to my husband, ‘feeling like it’ is not a legitimate reason to do something. He thinks that I have an underlying intent… a deeper reason of why I felt the need to put the makeup on in the first place. I tried to explain to him that I simple felt like putting makeup on because it was fun and it made me feel pretty. He should have taken it and dropped the subject, but no…

“Why is putting makeup on “fun” for you? It doesn’t make you look pretty, it makes you look worse. I like you better without makeup. You don’t need makeup.”

By this time I am feeling incredibly insecure and ugly. (Yes, I am very sensitive) “I don’t care if you think I look good without makeup. It makes me feel pretty.”

“Why does makeup make you feel pretty?”

“It just does… It makes me feel dressed up and more feminine.”

“But you don’t need makeup and it doesn’t make you look better. In fact, it makes you look worse. I think you look better with no makeup on.”

“Oh so you think dark circles under my eyes, chapped lips, and pimples are hot?”

“No, I just think you look worse with makeup on.”

“Oh! That’s just great! You think I look BAD to begin with and even worse when I put makeup on?! Are you telling me that the one good thing that makes me feel good about myself, makes me look WORSE?!” (Can’t you just hear the tone of my voice at this point…?)

He attempted to dig his way out of the hole he had just created and I attempted not to cry as my self esteem level went soaring down. Needless to say, I ended up crying and washing my face out of embarrassment. And he finally apologized for making me feel worse.

Once again a good example of how ones self-image can affect your relationships.

If I hadn’t been so insecure about how I looked, my husband telling me that I look better without makeup would have made me feel better, not worse. If he had actually said that I looked better without makeup instead of saying that I look worse with makeup, it wouldn’t have made me feel worse than I was already feeling by that time. He’s pretty clueless when it comes to these things… Mostly because of the Asperger’s Syndrome I think. However, please don’t think I am making excusses for him now…

What did I learn from this? To not let other people’s opinion affect how I feel about myself in a negative way. And not to wear makeup during the day when I am only bumming around the house…. or never wear makeup again for the rest of my life……