Don’t Feel Like Myself Anymore…

I’ve been so lost in being a mother and a wife for so long, I think I’ve forgotten who i am. I don’t do anything I used to like doing, I don’t get to go anywhere, I feel like a trapped rat half the time…

I love being a mom, but the hubs is gone so much, I feel like a single mom sometimes… I have to do everything and I never get a break. Not that anyone should have to relieve me of my duties… it’s just that I feel like no body cares about me anymore.

I just don’t feel like myself. I can’t concentrate, I’m unorganized, I have a million things to do and nothing ever gets done… I have to-do lists everywhere and I can’t think long enough to get anything done.

Trying to run Fashionable Media AND be a good parent is really taking a toll on me… I need more time to get things done on the computer, yet I want to spend more time with daughter teaching her things, playing with her, and just helping her grow. There aren’t enough hours in the day!

I used to dance, sing, play guitar, write poetry, exercise, do yoga everyday, cook gourmet meals, be creative, paint, draw, write stories, keep a journal, listen to music… I could go on and on… and I don’t get to do anything I enjoy anymore. I just don’t know what to do.

I wish I could have just 1 hour to myself everyday… but I don’t. I love my daughter so much and I want to be with her, but 24 hours a day and 7 days a week with no reprieve is starting to wear me down and affect my brain…

I wish my husband would help me, but he doesn’t… I don’t know who we are anymore. Some days are good, some days are bad, but none of them are fulfilling anymore. I keep slapping myself and telling myself to just keep it together and keep on trucking, but I don’t know how much longer I can carry myself through life like this…

Happy New Year!!

I rang in the new year with my boob in someone else’s mouth.

Although it’s not as sexy as it sounds.

I was watching Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with my husband and brother in law. Then about 5 minutes before midnight, my daughter woke up, so I ran into the bedroom to nurse her back to sleep. I put her down as quickly as I could raced back into the living room to find that I had missed the countdown and the new year by like 5 seconds.

Bummer!

And I didn’t have the ability to rewind it like Kelly did. Oh well! Happy New Year anyway!

Merry Christmas!!

Notice, my kid is flipping everyone off in her Christmas pictures. How sweet is that??

The best part is, I didn’t notice that until after I sent it to about 100 people. And someone I sent it to pointed that out to me.

Oh well!!

My Day From Hell

And here I thought that August 31st, 2004 was the worst day of my life….

First, my husband, me and the baby got into a car accident with an oil truck and totaled our mini van on my way to my mother’s house. We have no money saved up right now, hubby doesn’t get paid till Friday and we have no car insurance.

My brother drove us to my mother’s house so we could help her make the decision of whether to put our 8 year old Boxer down or not. He had been getting progressively worse and worse for the past year and had lost almost all control over his hind end and it was slowly spreading to his front legs. For the past week, he hadn’t been able to walk, eat without help, drink, or go to the bathroom without falling in it. My mom had been giving him 24/7 care which was really too much for her… Being 61 years old and not sleeping for a week isn’t good for anyone.

We finally decided to bring Duke (the dog) for a third opinion – a new vet. They said he had one of 2 problems, neither of which could be fixed. The vet said in his condition, he was only going to get worse and wouldn’t live more than a couple more weeks, so it was best to put him down sooner rather then later. Putting down a dog is the hardest thing in the world to do, but it’s even harder when it’s you and your mom – no father – and that dog has been the only thing keeping you alive. My mom bought Duke for me after my dad died and we babied that dog sooooo badly. He was like a brother to me…. So it was like pulling the plug on a family member. Literally.

We had him put to sleep and he died on my lap – the same spot as when I picked him up as a little tiny puppy. The runt of the litter.

We brought him home in the back of my mom’s Saab and my husband lovingly dug a hole in my mom’s backyard. I wrapped him in his favorite brown blanket and lowered him into his final resting place. With him, I placed his favorite toy – a monkey – and my daughter’s favorite pink hat. She had just learned how to say “Dukey” 3 days before this…. She loved him so much.

I buried him and put a cross over his grave. My poor mother couldn’t watch. She was so empty now… He was all she had left. Now she would be completely alone.

I wept over his grave for an hour… I never thought losing him would be so hard. It took me over a year to mourn over my dad’s death, but sobbing for the passing of my dearly beloved dog came so much easier. Maybe because I am older now and I’m tired of suppressing my emotions. I just let them fall out everywhere….

I didn’t think anything else could happen in one day, but when I got hom several hours later, my sister in law found out that her mother has ovarian cancer and only has a few months to live.

I was pretty sure my day couldn’t possibly get any worse. Boy was I wrong… My mother in law, whom I haven’t seen in well over a year, decided to finally tell me everything she’s been thinking and not saying for all this time. And it wasn’t pretty. I don’t know what I was expecting when I told her to “just be out with it already” and tell me what her problem was. Maybe I expected her to do it with a little bit of respect. Or decency. Or at least not dish out an enormous plate of blatant lies and absolutely untrue misconceptions about me. I am shocked, hurt, at a complete loss for words and I don’t see how I will ever be able to even talk to her again. If you only knew what this woman thinks I’ve done… It’s heinous. Something I would never in a million billion years do, even if I was a mean, hateful person. Which I’m not, despite my recent ranting about Obama………………..

There is no way for me to explain to her the truth because she’ll never believe me. She’s chosen to think something about me and I know she’s going to take it to her grave. There is little I can do to prove my innocence on this issue, at least in a way that will matter to her… She’s obviously in a very bad place mentally right now and nothing I say will matter to her. I don’t know if I should even bother to try… She’s cutting off her nose to spite her own face…

I’m at a loss.

At least nothing else can happen today…